Dirty Jokes are OFF On
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11/16/2013 from Richard Baird5.7

Mr. & Mrs. Peters were in town on a Saturday night and they got separated. Wanting to go home, she began searching for her husband, Bob. Passing a barber shop, she stopped, opened the door and asked,"Bob Peters in here?" "No Maam" said the barber,"Just shaves and haircuts"

10/27/2013 from rusty5.5


Two hedgehogs are in the middle of the road and they're by a zebra crossing. One says, "Don't cross here!"

The other one says, "Why not?"

The first one says, "Look what happened to this zebra!"


10/27/2013 from edith5.6


A blonde complains to a brunette friend that her Internet is down.

The brunette friend offers to let the blonde check her e-mail at her house.
"That's OK," says the blonde. "Why don't you check it and forward me what I got?"


10/26/2013 from sam5.9


Three couples went to a resturant. The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table.
"Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first gal.
"Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second.
"Could you pass me the bacon, pig?" said the third.

10/26/2013 from dan5.8


Q: Why is it OK for blondes to catch cold?

A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

10/25/2013 from ashton6.2
A husband asks his wife:
- If I die, will you remarry?
- Of course no, darling, I will stay with my sister. And if I die, will you remarry?
- No, I will also stay with your sister.
10/25/2013 from stephanie6

 A wife tries to teach the dog to sit up. After a few fails her husband tells:

- Darling, forget it, you won't succeed...
- Don't worry - replies his wife - in the begining it was difficult with you as well.
10/25/2013 from vivian5.9

What did the blonde say when she found out that she was pregnant?

I hope it's not mine.
10/24/2013 from roger6.1

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet.

"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."
The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"
"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome." 
10/24/2013 from chloe5.9

An angry motorist went back to a garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier.

"Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"
"Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."
10/24/2013 from Johny5.8

Our dog left so many disgusting stains on our carpet that we had to buy new carpet. I didn't want to be stupid about the new purchase, so I cut the stains out of the old carpet.

When the carpet guy asked what color we wanted, I pulled out the stained patches and said, "Yeah, can you match this color!"
10/23/2013 from lana5.6

Q: ‘Why does police drive white/blue cars with red/blue lights with a big police sign in the back?’

A: ‘So they don’t chase each other..’
10/23/2013 from donna6

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
10/23/2013 from kyle5.7
My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.
Then she told me to take off her skirt. Then she told me never to wear her clothes again.
10/22/2013 from renee5.9

An old man and an old woman were sitting together on their front porch. 

"You used to sit closer to me," said the woman. So the man moved closer. 
"You used to put your arm around me." So the man put his arm around her. 
"You used to nibble on my ear." 
"Let me get my teeth."
10/22/2013 from jake5.7

I was walking home when I noticed a couple of robins laying down in the sun. I let my talking cats out and the kitten said to her mom, ''I'm hungry!'' So the mother cat said, ''What would you like?'' The kitten replied, ''I don't know!''

Then the mother cat looked at the robins and said, ''How about some basking robins?''
10/21/2013 from jarrod5.9

A guy with a very small head was sitting at a bar, drinking, when the bartender asked him why his head was so small. The man sighed.

“I was walking along the beach one day and happened upon a lamp. A beautiful genie came out of the lamp and said that she would grant me 3 wishes. First, I wished for all the money in the world. Then I wished for the biggest mansion in all the world.” 
“And then I wished for a little head.”
10/21/2013 from marvin5.7

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, “Let’s fly out of the cave and get some blood.”

“We’re new here,” says the second one. “It’s dark out, and we don’t know where to look. We’d better wait until the other bats go with us.”
The first bat replies, “Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere.” He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, “Where did you get the blood?”
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, “See that black building over there?”
“Yes,” the other bat answers.
“Well,” says the first bat, “I didn’t.”
10/21/2013 from lexi5.6

They say that if you have an infinite number of monkeys typing at an infinite number of keyboards for an infinite period of time, you will get the collected works of Shakespeare.

If you get the source code to Microsoft Windows, you need to add more monkeys.
10/20/2013 from lana5.9


Son, you need a woman who can cook, a woman who can clean, a woman that is great in bed. Most importantly, you must make sure these three women never meet.

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